With yet another childless Mother's day quickly approaching, I find myself reflecting on where I thought I would be in my life at this point. This is not where the picture in my head put me...
There was actually a time when ***gasp*** I thought I didn’t want children. I sometimes now think that my fertility problems are my punishment for having those thoughts. My punisher was saying “If you really want children, you are going to have to work EXTRA hard for them to ensure that you do want them – they will be worth it in the end”. I remember my mother saying to me that when you met the right man I would change my mind about having kids. She couldn’t have been more right.
When I met Mark and we got married, my whole outlook on children changed. I DID want kids – with him! I KNEW he was going to make a fantastic father and I SO wanted to share that and experience that with him.
Our ‘plan’ was to have our first child in January ’05 followed closely by our second child in about March ’06…as we all know, life does not go on according to plan. Life is not fair and just because you want something, doesn’t mean it is going to happen when you want it to. You never anticipate that when you want to get pregnant that you won’t. It never crossed my mind that it wouldn’t have when we wanted it to happen – never! We are good people, there is no reason that it wouldn’t happen for good people.
Then reality slowly creeps in – as each month passes you think “oh that is o.k., we are not too far off our wanted path.” Then three months turn to 6 months and then a year and then 2 or 3 and you can’t even see the path anymore.
In January ’06, when the path was a bare shadow, we discussed adoption and International adoption specifically. We went to an information session in another city an hour away as that was the only one within driving distance on a weeknight that we could attend. We talked NON STOP on the way home and then for hours again when we got home. Was this what we wanted to do? Were we ready to stop treatments? Could we handle the home study (this part FREAKED me out – getting judged by someone who had such a huge impact on your destiny will do that to you)? Could we handle the wait?
During the info session, we were told that if we started RIGHT THEN (January ’06) on our home study and everything went as it should, we would HAVE OUR BABY HOME BY JULY ’07. We actually had to sit and debate and discuss and make sure we were prepared to wait 18 months from THEN for our baby.
This brings us to now – 16 months later – certainly NOT 2 months away from our baby – more like 2 YEARS!! I really didn’t know how I was going to handle the wait then and now we are 5 months LID with no baby in our near future and yet ANOTHER mother’s day with no child...
I know I am lucky to have the wonderful life that I have. I know I am lucky to have the wonderful husband that I have. I know I am lucky to have the wonderful family that I have. I know I am lucky to have such a wonderfully rich and full life, but life does not always turn our like the picture you have in your head.
21 comments:
I totally get it. You have your life planned out in your head that things will be a certain way and then life throws you for a huge loop. Hang in there sweetie. I'm here for you.
I understand the self blame. It's so counterproductive. My mom used to tell me as a little girl...okay it's gonna sound harsh and mean to some,...but she used to say, "darling, I don't know how to tell you this, but you are never going to have a child of your 'own'". It wasn't until I was an adult having fertility issues that this upset me so. Like I've created a self fullfilling prophecy. I mean, WHAT kind of mom tells a teenage girl that??? Though, my mom did have shall we say, the ability to fortell future events. I won't discuss this here right now. It is hard to let go of the blame.
If you knew the future, would you chose to endure? Of course we all would. I know this wait seems unbearable. One way or another, these days and months (and years) pass whether you want them too or not. All equally as fast as the good times. You must dig deep into your empty tank. There is always a reserve.
I have had many of those same thoughts. Ryan and I went back and forth as to whether or not we would have children. Then when we decided we wanted children and it didn't turn out that way it was very easy to blame myself. I guess that is human nature because we want an answer to the 'why'. This journey isn't anything like any of us expected.
One day we when we are celebrating Mother's Day with our girls we will look back at this Mother's Day as a distant memory.
Many of us are struggling this Mother's Day. It's normal. But there will come a day when this holiday is not one that we have to simply "get through". And we'll celebrate. Hang in.
Oh boy, I hear you. Virtually nothing in my life has gone according to the picture in my head (read: the way it seems like it is for everyone else). It has all turned out wonderfully in the end, but it's so hard to let go of expectations. I may never master it.
I'm sorry this is so darn frustrating -- I mean you've done everything "right" -- it's so hard when you are a good-hearted, capable, intelligent person who generally is able to make things happen in your life, to feel so powerless.
We're all there with you, Michelle, especially on Mother's Day.
I know.
Life doesn't work out like we planned.
Happy mothers day to the Mommy to be! Don't for one second think that you cannot celebrate tomorrow. You are an expectant parent. And although we cannot forsee how long this wait will be...You are STILL going to be a mommy.
The best laid plans, right? I can completely relate. I was supposed to be home, still married, with Gracen and #2 from China on the way. Life takes unexpected, often painful turns. Hang in there. I'm guessing your pumpkin will be home for next years mother's day!
Hear ya! Life is apparently did not get my memo and is not following the timeline I have laid out clearly in point form! It is tough but tomorrow is above all one day closer to our little ones.
Keep smilin!
Whats the saying, "life happens when you make other plans"!
I think most of us have BTDT and understand your thoughts completely. Dare we even say anymore, this is the last blah blah blah without the baby.
You are a mummy but your baby just isn't in your arms. That probably doesn't help but it is the truth.
I am sending a hug to you. I thought that I would actually have a child 5 months from now. Funny huh? I have been LID for 3 months now and have years to wait.
But I do understand that your heart has a special ache that mine does not as I do have children.
I am sorry that your child has not come to spend this Mother's Day with you. I am truly hoping she/he is here next year.
Yep - hear ya loud and clear. I was supposed to be 28 and having number 1 - and I am now preparing to become a first time Mum at 36. Not what I had planned at all. With an June 06 LID... I still don't even know if this will be my last one childless.
It's a hard day... hang in there.
Lisa
Well said - I totally hear you - our life didn't turn out as planned either - but I am glad there is a bigger plan than mine!! Soon it will happen - the waiting is hard, but the end result is SO good!!! Hang on.
Oh dear sweet Michelle. Yes your path has taken a very very different turn, and I can imagine the journey was filled with anxiety and worry and pain. You are now on the road, albeit a long road, but it is a road to your beautiful daughter and we will all be chearing you on throughout the walk. BIG HUGS DEAR FRIEND! I will be thinking of you today, like I said in my post 'to all the mom's who don't know who their child is yet...'
Its hard to give you any words that will make things seem better. I have had many of those thoughts - and my heart filled with sadness for so long. Until one week ago. Things do change. SOmehow the wait - although painful, made me stronger. Made me cherish new friendships, and love my husband even more. You will get there. I swear it.
I so understand where you're coming from! I haven't fought the battle of infertility (other than no husband = no pregnancy) but I can completely understand that the picture I had in my head is far from the life I'm living. But...I'm happy witht he life I'm living as you are with yours! We are blessed!
Happy Mother's Day Michelle!
Plans, shmlans.
I am also another one who thought I didn't want kids and then stuff changes. Life certainly doesn't go to plan, it took us 2 years of trying to get Thomas and now 2 years of long waiting and hopefully we are closer to getting Zoe.
Happy mothers day and another day closer to getting your little one...it will happen.
Your mothers heart shines through! Keep your eye on the goal, but enjoy the journey, and you will be united with your baby at exactly the right time. Bless you.
You are not kidding! Life never turns out the way we have it all planned out. I had no plans of adoption at ALL! But some child out there, some child that is YOURS will be blessed to have you for a mom. Maybe that is the way it was supposed to be- for her sake. So she could have YOU for a mom. Kind of a neat thought, huh?
Hoo boy do we ever think alike!! I am really looking forward to meeting you this weekend!!
you are in my thoughts almost every day...i pray that soon you will find out what you have been waiting for...and it will be sooooo worth it...
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