There is a saying or phrase out there that I am sure you have all heard. I am thinking that you have probably even said it (BEFORE you started your adoption). Perhaps you were not thinking of or realizing how hurtful the phrase was to adoptive children (or adults for that matter) at the time when you uttered it.
The phrase I am talking about is "Blood is thicker then water". People throw these words around all willy nilly - as I am sure that I have myself at some point in time without thinking of the consequences.
Now that we are in the midst of an adoption, the phrase takes on a whole new meaning. Prior to now, I hadn't really given the MEANING of the saying a second thought. It was just something that people said.
Now that it affects my life directly it makes me cringe. Now that I THINK about the words, they upset me.
Perhaps the people that are saying it are not realizing what they are saying either. Perhaps until it is something that touches you, do you really even 'listen' or understand or care for the matter as to the meaning of the phrase.
My nieces and nephews are not 'blood' related. They are still my nieces and nephews. Do I love them any less - ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! However, I don't know that people think about that when they spew the phrase. Does this mean that Mark would love my sister’s children less then he loves his sisters children because they share a bloodline? I don't think so. We are their Aunt and Uncle and we love them to bits - All of them – no matter where they came from! Do others that use the phase think like that – that their nieces and nephews on their spouses side are ‘less’ family or ‘less’ blood or ‘less’ important because they don’t share a blood line?
Will our family members and friends treat our children differently because of a different blood line – and a different background. I would LIKE to say no - they won’t be treated any different then other members of the family however, until the time comes, we are not going to know that for sure. There is a little (o.k. big) part of me that is terrified for our daughters that they will be treated differently then other family (blood) members.
I sit here now and think about it...What will our daughters think of these words – Blood is thicker then water? Will they upset them? Will they believe that it is true? Will they care? Will they want to find their birth mother to test out the theory? Will they accept us as parents? Will they long to have a ‘blood’ relative? Will we be able to protect them from hurtful people? Will they be totally accepted by their family?
Will they believe and trust that they are loved so absolutely, completely and unconditionally that it doesn't matter where they came from? They are our daughters and blood or no blood - we WILL be a FOREVER family!!
Yup - during adoption, the phrase “Blood is thicker then water” takes on a whole new meaning - as does anything when it touches your life directly.
16 comments:
Great post! That is so true. So much Before Adopting takes on a different tune now After Adopting.
Being an only child, for me, bloodlines do not cut off relationships. Friends to my are my family and my sisters. I am Auntie to them and love them as much as if they were related.
In todays nuclear age, blended families and foster families and adoptive families are proof that that saying is no longer applicable. IMHO
I pray that my daughter knows that she is loved and is my family and that our family loves her unconditionally.
Keep smilin!
Great Post! Hopefully it'll make a few think before they speak!
This is a great post, Michelle. Just think how many other phrases and actions that are out there that are similar -- but it's true, you don't consider it until it touches your life. I agree with what Doris said about blended families and adoptive families, but I still don't think it's most people's experience. I wish it were.
I usually think of that saying to mean "Family is the most important thing." Family being all those in the family, not just those blood related. My stepdad is FAR closer to me than my biological father ever was!
I personally have the philosophy that those we pick in life are more meaningful because we made the choice to have them in our lives. I believe that although we dont pick our parents, we pick the relationship we have with them. For many of us, we have made strong relationships with the friends in our lives. And these bonds didnt take some DNA to form them.
That is a brilliant post, and something I have thought about a lot. You hear it said all the time here, and you're right as an adoptive family many words/phrases take on a whole new meaning. I recently watched Anne of Green Gables and couldn't believe the meaness calling Anne 'Orphan Anne' and many other things...these things all have more of a sting now.
But you know what Michelle? I know your daughters (and maybe a son too!) will know they are so so so so so so so loved by you and Mark, you will make them feel special each and every day. They may hear these things, but they'll know 'my mom and dad love me more than the earth' and that will stay with them forever!
You're super!!!
And you're tagged!
You forgot the second part of the saying, "but love is thicker than blood"
I love that you brought this up. I have spent years saying the opposite, that water is as thick and often thicker than blood. I don't post about my really personal past, my relationship with my dad, the losses around that. But suffice to say, I think so often our family is created by us- that old saying that we dont' choose our family, but we choose our friends. So many of my friends ARE my family, and they range in age from 25 to 75. I have these incredible "father figures" and "brothers" that are not related to me except by a deep, abiding, loving bond of friendship. And it feels like family. I'd stand in front of a bullet for these friends...
So, I have challenged that thinking when I've met others who grieve the family they wanted but never had, like parents that were abusive, or siblings that were distant or that you never got along with...
Anyway, I'm totally rambling. I'm just glad to know that I'll be able to refute this with my girl, and teach her that family isn't about genes and bloodlines. It's about love, trust, commitment, faith ...
Very true. It is a phrase that I don't think people think through before it is said.
As for me, being a mother has very little to do with biology. Parenting is what comes after pregnancy and birth and a bloodline does not a mom or dad make.
I like Janet & crazylady's take on things!
Great post!
My eyes have definitely opened during this process to so many different things...I have definitely grown as a person.
Yes, people don't think things through, these are "old" sayings that roll of their tongues and they don't even sit back and think about the meaning.I echo everyone's sentiments.
waitaminute... your "sister's daughters"? Someone's been holdin' out! lol
Rog
Biology does not equal love or a family.
What a great post!
I had never thought of the saying until now.......
insight....
Excellent post! Thanks for writing this. Something to think about. Lots of things take on new meaning when creating our families through adoption - add this one to the list!
Cari
I've thought of that phrase a lot lately too. I've already got my witty come back too if need be. Blood does not make a family as I've recently learned. I have many friends who I consider family. And some family I wish I never met.
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