First off – I wrote this yesterday, but decided to wait until today when I was calmer and I could ‘tone it down’ before I posted…
I am generally an optimist. I really am!! However, right now I am sitting here crying. I can’t quite figure out if they are tears of joy or tears of frustration or tears of despair…
We received our LID (Log in Date) and it is December 6th…I am not quite sure why it took 36 days to be logged in – 5 weeks and a day. I want to scream – not a good scream either. Receiving your LID is supposed to be a good thing…I am NOT feeling so good right now. I know I am supposed to be happy that we are now ‘in line’ but all I can feel is frustration.
I have seen so many people who were DTC after us who have an LID before us – how does that happen?? We all know how big of a difference 1 day can make in this roller coaster ride and a week or two – well, that can be forever!!
I sometimes wonder why I am here. Why are we doing this? Why are we voluntarily subjecting ourselves to this emotional pain and heartache? Why are we putting our future in the hands of someone on the other side of the world who, let’s face it, doesn’t even know us. At times like this, it is so hard to ‘see’ the end and the joy that we will eventually feel.
From the beginning of this journey – NOTHING has gone as it was supposed to go. I mean NOTHING. It is been full of and incredible amount of disappointment, miscommunication, frustration and anxiety – much more then we bargained for – and we bargained for a LOT! I guess technically, NOTHING has gone as it was supposed to go since we started trying to conceive 3 years ago. In our ‘plan’ we were already going to have 2 kids (or almost 2) at this point in time and now with these new predictions of timelines and an estimate of a Dec ’06 log in date taking 34 months to receive a referral…I simply don’t know if I can do ANOTHER 3 years… But I guess there is no choice.
I know there are other people who have been trying longer then us and I know that everyone who is adopting has felt similar to what I am feeling now – but I am being selfish today and I am thinking about me and not anyone else. THIS SUCKS!!
When we got our LID (which I figured would be soon), we TRULY expected it to be about November 27th. Nine days is a long time, especially if you miss the cut off by that many days. I guess that is our fault for trying to find ANY rhyme or reason to all this.
I just got off the phone with my mom and I was filling her in on our LID and how I was feeling. She reminded me about when I wrote about Everything happening for a reason. I am having a hard time with that right now, but I will come around.
So there it is – we have an LID. Now after 11 months of paperwork, we are “officially” in line and the ‘real’ wait begins…I know I should be happy and I will be – maybe tomorrow…
19 comments:
I know how you feel (about everything), it took a really long time for us to get our LID too - not that that will make you feel any better though.
It is okay to feel selfish sometimes Michelle - especially when you are going through such a frustrating process! Hang in there.
I so hear you, and I'm sorry every darn thing is taking so much longer than you thought.
I know this is going to sound quite odd, but I love this post, Michelle. You are so raw and so feeling here and it is so authentic and refreshing to read. So many of us feel this very same way, although it probably gives you little solace to know that.
Adoption is hard work and it is okay to feel like this - I feel it often.
Hope tomorrow brings you renewed optimism.
I know exactly how you feel. My dossier was sent to China a month later than planned cuz of a screw up by my agency. I was devastated.. for a few days. But then I accepted that everything does happen for a reason... even if we don't understand it in that moment. Don't worry...this too shall pass.
I know what you mean Michelle, I was a bit surprised when I saw how long it took to get our LID. But we're there now. I know what you mean about things not going as planned. Just know that I'm right here beside you and we can support each other during the good and bad.
Sometimes we need to have a pity party for ourselves......I sure have had a few!
I am sorry that your experience thus far with the process has not been a positive one.....
But, you are logged in now....which is the most important thing. You are one step closer to becoming a mom
Congrats on the LID1 I know it is not what you expected but it does at least mean you are official. We were involved in the CCAA move and we had the same thing happen.
I'm with you. Nothing about trying to have a child has been easy for us either, including this adoption. Our entire paperchase was a nightmare from beginning to end. Nine days is a long time in the scheme of things. There seems to be no rhyme nor reason to it. It sucks. I'm sorry.
Go ahead and vent! It IS frustrating and we understand.
It's where you are right now and that is just fine. We've all been at that point of frustration....it changes like the tides.
Oh its so frustrating.Us Brits have to go through a year and a half to two years of paperwork,Panel ect...and deal with Govt dept before we even get our papers sent to China.Then we wait the same as everyone else.I saw one American family who started in July 06 and have a similar DTC to us! Can you imagine how we felt when we started in March 05.Now if we had used the American system-which obviously we can't -we'd be going to China this year!! Its awful that we are in a system that takes so long because our system is so strict and we only have 178 adoptions a year from the UK from China-imagine how peeved us Brits are!!
It does get to me!
We don't know our LID and probably won't know till this Spring as we never get our LIDs and our DEpt never replies to us and we have to wait for BLAS to give us our LID and they said the the CCAA are too busy.Well if thats the case why did one American family receive their LID four days after DTC!!!
I seems so unfair-so I DO understand how you feel.Yet as you know we have three boys and I can'r imagine the pain for first time parents_BIG HUG.
Sending lots and lots of (((hugs))) Michelle. I can understand your sadness and frustration and you're good to voice it. It will get better...and worse again...and better...and wrose...you get the picture! Yup, it's a Stroller Coaster of a ride we're on and we've only just begun. Hang on for the ride baby...we're going to be here a while but whoeee...I've seen the end of this particular ride in the eyes, smiles, coos and dirty diapers and every single one of my friends who have ridden the ride say they'd hop on that exact same stroller coaster again to meet their daughter! It's hearing this that helps get me through the tough days.
(((hugs))) again.
My lovely Michelle,
I wish I could give you a big hug. I am happy that you have your LID. It is a relief to have a point to count from. The disappointment you feel is one that many of us have felt. You are speaking from your heart and we can not fault you for that. This journey we are on is one that will try us to a point that we think we will break but in the end it will make us stronger and more resilient. It will make us more appreciative of what we have and of the children that we will parent. They are the reason we are doing this. It will happen!!
Keep smilin!
Oh, sweetie, I am sooo sorry you are feeling this way. Can I just say that being pregnant is sooo much easier than having the "fate of your family" rest on governments and regulations. Please hang in there, Michelle, it will get better! I really hope you feel better soon, but it's good to acknowledge how you are feeling, and like Kathy says, we do all have very hard days! I'm thinking of you, girl, hang in there!
Supporting you,
Janet
Hey Michelle- {{big hug}}
First congrats on your LID. (as delayed as it was)
I like what your mom told you.
Everything happens for a reason and maybe pumpkin needed your lid to be delayed!!
Hey Michelle - sorry you're feeling so frustrated. I know you probably don't want to hear this but I'll say it anyway: all that stress, frustration, emotional ups and downs is sooooo worth it when you finally see the face of your little one for the first time. Trust me . . . I've so been there. We went through all the delays too and at the end when I finally saw Samara's little face I knew she was meant for our family and that's why things took just the right amount of time. I hope you're feeling better really soon. Hang in there - all of us who are on the same journey are there for ya!
k
Oh michelle, I'm really sorry it took so long. What a journey to start. But, like you in the end I always think 'happened for a reason' and I think your daughter is going to be released and had you had LID you would of missed her. She's waiting for you and soon (lets pray very soon) she will be in your arms forever!!!!
Thank you for the lovely comments on my post. I can't wait to follow even more of your journey.
p.s. I forgot to say the most important thing
CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Hi Michelle,
I feel for you...i know how long it can take to wait for the little one you have always planned for..i cannot relate to the position you are going through...but definately on the wait...believe me it will be worth it in the long one.
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